I take it as a sign of the inevitable decline of Western culture that our Chinese fortune cookies are crap. Today, for instance, I ate at my favorite dumpy Chinese place in Philadelphia. When I was sated, I got my fortune cookie, and tore it apart with my usual eagerness for knowing what the Fates have in store for me. My fortune read: "You enjoy sports, horses, and gambling, but never to excess."What is this garbage?, I said to myself. This isn't a fortune, it's an observation - and an almost entirely wrong one at that. (I do like horses, but not to excess.) A fortune cookie should give you a fortune - that is, a prediction of what lies in your future. (E.g., "Your children will resent you.") At the very least, it should offer sage advice of some kind. (E.g., "Confucius say: Get that thing on your back looked at.") Banal observation doesn't cut the kung pao, boys.
Since any old fool can apparently pass off any old tripe as a fortune these days, I hereby declare that I am that fool - and here is that tripe. Drumroll, please:
"How about that local sports team?"
"You have some schmutz on your upper lip. No, the other side."
"Nice hat."
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